


Frank Junior

by mizzanthrope



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-22
Updated: 2013-04-22
Packaged: 2017-12-09 06:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/770882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizzanthrope/pseuds/mizzanthrope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gang are infiltrated by another baby. Guess who has to take care of it? Mac/Dee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A couple days passed at Paddy’s and everything was business as usual, except for one thing, Frank kept coming in with a baby.

Now everyone chose to ignore it, except for Charlie, who by the fifth day, finally piped up. “Oh man Frank, DP pissed all over bar!”

The gang looked over. The baby, chubby, blue-eyed, and around the age of one, sat in on the bartop in a puddle of it’s piss, clapping his hands gleefully. Although Charlie was annoyed, he wiped his hands off his shirt and continued drinking from a line of shots now immersed in yellow puddle.

“Charlie! There’s piss in that alcohol now! Don’t drink it.” Mac bit, “And that’s not DP, this is clearly an entirely new baby.”

“Well, I mean, we ran out of beer and I’m not going waste perfectly good alcohol just because there’s a little bit of pee in it.” Charlie shrugged, continuing drinking.

Frank picked up the gurgling baby and his diaper was dripping wet. To avoid getting urine on his shoes, Frank placed the baby on the pool table. “This isn’t some child I found in the trash, this is _my_ kid!”

“Hey! Hey! Don’t get piss on the pool table! You’ll ruin the fabric!” Dennis barked.

Mac brows furled. “Frank, I didn’t want to bring this up before, because you know, anything to do with babies have been nothing but a source of great inconvenience for us,“ The rest of the gang nodded in agreement. “…but now I just have to ask, since when the hell do you have a baby?”

“Good question.” said Dennis.

“I would also like to know.” Dee coincided.

“It’s me and Roxie’s!” Frank proclaimed. “I had no idea, but she threw him in adoption a month before she croaked! And now the foster home that was takin’ care of him are shuttin’ down, so they contacted me since the kid has no where else to go.” Frank shook his head morosely, “It’s very sad stuff-“

“I don’t give a shit!” Cut off Dennis, “You have a god damn baby now? This is going to be very bad for the group dynamic.”

“So what are we going to do? Just throw it in the trash?”  Frank retorted.

“Yes!”

“No god damn way! We’re gonna raise it and give it a good home!”

“What, in the bar?” Dee said sardonically. “Is the bar going to be the baby’s home?”

“No, but you know what? This has got me thinking.” Dennis put a finger to his lips in contemplation. “You and Mac are going to raise it.” He swiveled his eyes to the surprised pair. “Remember what a good job you guys did last time with DP?

Mac leaned forward, intrigued. “Yea, I remember. We were awesome parents. Well me mostly, not so much Dee.” Dee looked positively buggered while Mac tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Whatever happened to the little guy?”

“Foster home.” Dennis said, “And whatever, as long as the baby is out of the bar and out of our lives, I’m good with it. Dee, take your new baby.”

 “What! No!” the bundle was forced into her arms. “There’s no god damn way I want a little squirt pissing and shitting all over my apartment again.”

“Come on, you have great maternal instincts.” Charlie slurred, holding onto the bartop for balance, now drunk.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Dee never thought at the age of twenty-eight she’d be hauling her second round of baby into her apartment. “Okay Mac,” Dee snapped, “This is the deal, you stay here with the baby while I get ready for my date.”

“Wait, who’s coming over to pick you up?”

“You know… Barry.”

“Barry? What the hell kind of name is Barry?”

Dee put her hands out in frustration “Barry, the guy! The guy! Remember, I told you about him last week?”

“Wait, you mean, the guy you had sex with… and then he dumped you?”

“Yea, him.” Dee turned to the mirror, fixing her hair. “I mean you make it sound pathetic or something, but it’s really not. He’s actually a really nice guy, and I was really drunk at the time-“

Mac raised a hand; his brows furrowed in annoyance at her obnoxious air-headedness “Dee you do sound pathetic. The guy’s clearly is using you.”

“Oh, what do you know? Shut up you… fat, bossy, fatass!” She snapped, throwing her things in her purse angrily. Although Mac had shed the pounds she still referred to him as such. Unfazed, Mac persisted.

“Dee you’re being a god damn idiot. You’re going to come into the bar tomorrow morning, crying again, and drinking all our alcohol like the god damn drunk that you are.”

“No I’m not! That’s not going to happen!”

The doorbell suddenly rang. The pair exchanged a look and simultaneously bolted for the front door, except Mac bulldozed her aside in a heavy football tackle. With a giant shit-eating grin on his face, Mac flung open the door. “What’s up?” He greeted.

“Oh… hey. “ The guy was well-built, average face. Could be considered a quality lay in Mac’s terms if he worked on his thighs a bit more. Barry touched the back of his neck, clearly uneasy. “Is, uh, Dee home? Dee Reynolds?”

“Dee can’t come out tonight because she’s looking after _our_ child.” As if on cue, the baby began to cry. Dee, hauled herself up and stomped towards the door. Tried to move Mac but he kept his arms clasped firmly on the doorframe. She chose to duck under instead. Smoothing her hair, she smiled sweetly. “Barry! How nice to see you. Let’s leave now.”

“Woah wait.” Barry put his hands up. “You have a kid? You never told me that. That’s not really something I want to get involved with.”

After he left, Dee kicked the air, swung her head round to Mac. “You asshole! You threw me into the table _and_ I’ve lost my date!”

Mac tossed a light hand. “Shut up Dee. Clearly I did you a favor, the guy didn’t even want to know when he found out you had a kid-“

“I _don’t_ have a kid!” she snapped. The child cried again. Mac pouted and ran to his aid, scooping it up in his arms. “See Dee, Frank Jr. is crying because his mommy’s a complete bitch.”

“Frank Jr’s mommy is a dead prostitute called Roxy,” Dee hissed. The baby’s wails got louder and more impassioned. Annoyed, Mac threw it into her arms. “Look what you’ve done. Shut the kid up.”

“I didn’t do shit Mac.” Dee hissed. She started to rock it gently. “Oh shh shh little baby. Shhh shh. Don’t cry don’t cry. OH god damnit! please stop crying.”

“See? Family time." Mac collapsed into the couch comfortably. “Now get me a beer.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Yo! Anyone home?”

Dee, who was sitting on the couch bouncing the baby on her knee, raised a hand up in exasperation. “Why don’t you ever knock?”

Frank brought a bundle of groceries in, tossed it on the kitchen counter. “I brought junior some little foodsie woodsies.” He tickled the baby’s chin while Dee made a disgusted face. “How’s it going with the kid and living with Mac?”

“It was annoying at first, but I have to admit, the guy’s OCD is really coming in handy. He’s scrubbing, and mopping and polishing up everything. It’s like having a god damn maid!”

“Oh yea, he does that.”

“God dammit Dee.” Mac bustled out, a hairnet on his head, an apron tied around his waist and waving around a toilet cleaner, “Have you even looked under your sink? It’s like a god damn massacre in there.”

“It’s not that bad!” She retorted. “I only cleaned it last month!”

“Well you should be cleaning it every day! You don’t want Frank Jr. to catch dust mites do you?” he barked.

Dee just stared at him blankly. Mac sighed visibly and then stormed on his heel, slamming the door behind him. Dee turned to frank. “He’s like a woman.”

“Well you guys already got the fighting like an old married couple down” Frank joked.


End file.
